Unfortunately, the nature of our chosen way of life meant a return to England for six months in the spring and summer of Sophie’s first year, for ‘home leave’, and I found it a struggle to finish Year 1 with all the disruptions of travel, living out of suitcases and having to leave most of my resources behind in Russia. Still, I consoled myself, Year 2 would be much more settled.
However, that was not to be. Our time here in Russia has sadly and unexpectedly come to an end, and we’re busily preparing to move back to England for the short term while we wait and see what God has in store for our family next. For various reasons it makes sense to put Sophie (8) and Charis (nearly 6) into mainstream schools for the year. I am still coming to terms with the fact that we will never properly finish Year 2, and in all likelihood will be missing out completely on Year 3. Nor will I be able to start Charis off in Year 1 with the greater confidence that comes from starting down a road you have already travelled.
And so, as I pack up the books and the craft materials and the homeschool supplies that it took me five years to build up, I not only feel overwhelmed with sadness, but I realised that I'm also feeling afraid. I’m afraid of many things:
- I’m afraid that I’m losing my dream, a dream I've held for five years now.
- I’m afraid that I’m losing my status; the thing that defines me. For at least a year I won’t be ‘a Homeschooler’ anymore.
- I’m afraid I’m losing my ‘niche’, my ‘passion’.
- I’m afraid of getting sucked into the 'normal' educational system and of not being able to pull my family out again.
- I’m afraid my children will be assessed academically and found to be lacking.
- To be honest, one of my biggest fears is that my children will enjoy mainstream school more than they enjoyed doing school with me and won’t want to return to the dream life that I had envisioned for so long.
As always, I want to ask myself what God is trying to teach me through this experience. What lessons can I learn? How should I use this situation to draw closer to Him and deepen my faith?
Qu: Have you faced the situation of having to give up one of your dreams for a season?
Abide in Him!
Oh, yes. When we got kicked out of Russia, I felt like ALL my dreams died. I didn't have to give up homeschooling, though. That would have been terribly hard for me. (We hadn't really started yet then.) Some of the dreams have come back to life now, but sadly, some still haven't. Maybe never will. Still, God is Good.
ReplyDeleteI fell asleep praying for you last night. I know that we really don't know each other, but just the fact that you're going through this makes me feel like we're close sisters.
I also feel like we're 'kindred-spirits' :-) Thank you for sharing about your trials - I'm sorry you feel like some dreams have never come back to life. I'm glad you get to carry on homeschooling, though. You're right, God is Good and He knows what He's doing.
Deletecatherine, i don't know how difficult this is for you, because i haven't had to pass through it, yet. but i have thought a lot about it, because it sounds so scary, and i've always wondered when it would be what God has planned for our family.
ReplyDeletei can't even imagine.
but like you said, God is good.
so very, very good.
and He will provide for your needs every step of the way. He is so trustworthy. we know that, right? your heart needs extra heaps of His peace in these days, and the prescription for that is here.
Hi Amy. I know - I've often wondered 'when'. We've seen 14 expat families leave since we've been here and each time I've wondered if I would be next! Still, I know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, so I know we'll get through this even though there's a lot of work and heartache ahead. Thank you for the verse - that's one of my favourites too. And God has been speaking to me about the need to be at 'peace' in the midst of this turmoil, so thank you for your encouragement.
DeleteCatherine, why not find a definition that applies no matter what: lifelong learner. You can always be a lifelong learner, and it might enable you to connect with kindred spirits. Whether your children school at home or elsewhere, you can be guiding them in that process. In fact, I think your avocation will be more challenging with them in school. It will require careful attention to help them to continue to love the world of ideas. Praying for you all!!
ReplyDeleteThank you, yes that's helpful to have a 'lifelong' perspective. I agree, learning at home doesn't stop just because my kids are in mainstream school. Like you said, it will just be more challenging to fit in what we think are the essentials. Thank you for your prayers - I appreciate it.
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